I was listening to the sped-up version of Atlantis by Seafret in a park. I stood on a large expanse of green grass, gazing up at the blue sky, and thought, “I want to dance.” I felt the urge to throw my hands in the air and move my body to the music blasting through my headphones.

I truly wanted to, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried. I really tried. But I couldn’t shake off the worry about what people walking by would think of me. I kept imagining how silly I would look to them.

It reminded me of a tweet I saw on X last week: “Your freedom lies on the other side of cringe.”

Dancing would have made me happier, like riding on a swing at a children’s park. I should know — I tried it once. The feeling was one I haven’t felt since I was a child. FREEDOM. THE TRUE JOY OF SIMPLY EXISTING. Those twenty minutes I spent on the swing did something for my mental health that food, sex, and walks in the park couldn’t.

Do I regret not throwing my hands in the air and dancing? Yes.

Would I do it if I felt the urge again? No.

Truth is, like everyone else, I care about what people think of me. I don’t want to, but I do. Sadly so.

For today, the music and the swing will have to do. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll try again, and one day I’ll throw my hands in the air. Until then, I’ll keep feeling the music in secret.

Wandering Helen